Flaws and All

No children, 29 years old, successful marketer with great figure and brains to match. Happy Birthday to me. It’s time to pop bottles and remember how much of a loser I am. Uggghhhh why do I always feel like every birthday starts the exact the same way, me standing in a mirror promising myself that this year is going to be different than all the previous ones. You would think that after 14 years of living the same life I would get used to feeling like a loser by now. But here I am again questioning everything about myself and wondering what is wrong with me that I just can’t seem to get “it” right. I can feel the pity party coming as I write this entry. Paris keeps telling me that I need to commit myself to daily affirmations and starting reminding myself of all the good things in my life. Like for example one big difference in this year to all the others is that I’m engaged and expected to be married next year on my 30th birthday. I can’t help however, feeling a little late in the game. Who would have ever thought it would have taken me 30 years to find the Ken to my Barbie?


When you spend all those years playing house with the boys in the neighborhood and your doll babies and singing all those school yard chants, no one ever mentions that you could be halfway to the grave before you get to buy that dream house and wear that big Ring Pop diamond ring. I always thought that I would be married to Mr. Right with at least two kids, a two car garage and two annual salaries ranging right at the border of seven digits by 30. Sean is my well-to-do-from-another-ethnic-background boyfriend. Wow…not only did it take me 30 years to get married but when I decided to jump the broom of love I do it with someone from another race. I never even thought Mom and Dad would approve of him. The sting of not being invited to any holiday, graduation, or family event since I announced that Sean and I were a couple still hurts.

I’ve literally spent the last two years fighting to be with this man and now that I have him it’s like I’m scared to be with him. I mean it was just last year at my 28th birthday party that Paris “accidently” let her seven year old son throw cake in Sean’s face. Mama is now calling me all hours of the day talking about wedding dresses, sizes and color coordinates when just two years ago she wrote me off and told me that until I wake up from the Jungle Fever movie, don’t call or write to her period. And I don’t even want to talk about my Dad who refused to answer or return any of my phone calls since the “coming out” announcement. I had just accepted that I was never going to marry, until Sean popped the question and something changed in my family. Now that the smoke is cleared and everyone is acting like a scene out of Pleasantville I’m now questioning every decision I’ve made since saying yes.

I don’t know any more what I feel and there’s no one to talk to. The only thing I’m clear on at this moment is that I’m tired of being the bridesmaid and seeing all my friends happily married with the children that I should have right now. I just feel like a loser if I’m being quite honest. I’ve done everything right in my career and everything wrong in my personal life. If I could have 1/3 of the success I’ve had at my job, as I do in my love life I would put Oprah to shame. But I’m sitting here questioning if I’m marrying because there’s no more options for me or if I genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with one man…with Sean.

All I know is that later tonight I’m off to another birthday party, with my soon to be husband and my best friends and all my colleagues, family and other associates, where I’ll have to smile and pretend like I’m happy to be another year older and closer to all my dreams. They will ask over and over again are you happy about getting married? Are you just waiting to have that first baby? Are you going to wear white? Are you scared? Where are you going for your honeymoon? Are you excited? Have you planned everything? Uggghhhh. I mean who knows the answers to all those questions? I’m not even sure I’ll know until after I actually marry Sean. Is this what I really want? Am I who I want to be? Will I really be able to walk down the aisle and say I do to this man who has gone through hell and high water for me? Answers…just an answer to one of the questions would give me peace.

God, when they said life wouldn’t be easy they definitely were forecasting my life. Well I’m off…Another day…another year wiser.

P.S. When I initially started this site, I never imagined that I’d actually be pouring my heart and my soul out like this…but here I am. Flaws and all.