Never Enough Time

The deacon has been worrying me to death the last few days. He obviously is not used to a working, independent and successful woman. Two times last week I had to check him on some bullshit because he was acting needy and trying to play me like he doesn’t understand my schedule. Now he and I are fighting again because he wants to do dinner tonight and I can’t do it because I have my son’s football practice and then immediately following I have two customers whose payroll and bookkeeping are due first thing in the morning. Deacon dummy thinks that I should still be able to fit him in somewhere in my hectic schedule and I keep telling him it’s not about fitting him…it’s about me staying focused. It’s so hard being a single mom and trying to stay above the norm. The stigma of single mom’s is something I walk around with everyday.


I have fought with everything in me to not be the mom who just needs child support, state assistance or a man to take care of me and my child. It’s been a daily struggle, but somehow I’ve managed to keep my head above water. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not hating on the Moms out there who are in different circumstances then I am. It’s hard being a mother. I don’t care if you have a man in the house or not, being a mom is like running everyday in a never ending marathon race with no breaks for water. Take the man out the picture and it feels like you’re running that marathon with fire under your feet. It’s just tough and I’ve been busting my butt since sorry Baby Daddy got locked up for rape.

So, when I meet the Deacon or the Deacon types and I’m their new flavor of the month and they expect me to drop everything in my life to accommodate their every need I just get PISSED off. I half want to ask Mr. Deacon, “if you’re so desperate to spend time with me, why don’t you come to my son’s practice and sit and talk with me?” Or better yet why don’t you come over and help me crunch these figures?” But of course that’s not an option. The only thing he wants to do is dinner and me in the form of desert. I used to feel bad about being busy. I was that girl who used to put my priorities on hold for my man. But then I had “the” man---you know the lying, cheating, dirty dog and he taught me real quick that the key to life was to get yours before you get got. So, that is why now when it comes to anything vs. my man, I pick anything every time. I know it’s not right. God knows I’ve lost a lot of men this way. But the past haunts me and sometimes it seems to run faster than I can. I can’t seem to escape the mistakes of before.

I like this deacon and he’s the first man in a long time that I have enjoyed just being around. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I hate letting people in and I feel as if maybe I let my guard down with this one. I mean damn it’s hasn’t been that long at all and already he has me on this thing writing about him. Do I just go to dinner and stay up extra late to work on my accounts or should I tell him to step off and carry my Bitch attitude around for a week until he checks himself and realizes I’m not the one to play with? Decisions…Decisions…Decisions…Which one would you choose?

The Preacher's Wife